you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
