He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I'm gonna fight the coyote
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
