Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
