Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
