I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
