Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
