sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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