If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
