You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
