what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
my shit smells like andre
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
