bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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