I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
