I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
