Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
