I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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