Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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