we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
