When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
