he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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