3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i just had sex bonerless
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
