What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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