She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Randomize
