Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
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