Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
