i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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