my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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