i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
