I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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