We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
