Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
