i'm signing you up for texting rehab
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
