dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
