No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
