Apparently you make a good broom.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
