Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Pants are for mortals
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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