you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
