he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
