dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
