from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
