told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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