If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Randomize
