Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
