i think my mom watched the whole time
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
