i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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