I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
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