my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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