ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
