My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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