Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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