i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
