I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
